Grief and Loss
Grief is a natural response to loss. It might be the loss of a loved one, relationship, pregnancy, pet, job or way of life. Other experiences of loss may be due to children leaving home, infertility and separation from friends and family. The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief is likely to be.
Grief is expressed in many ways, and it can affect every part of your life; your emotions, thoughts and behaviour, beliefs, physical health, your sense of self and identity, and your relationships with others. Grief can leave you feeling sad, angry, anxious, shocked, regretful, relieved, overwhelmed, isolated, irritable or numb.
Grief has no set pattern. Everyone experiences grief differently. Some people may grieve for weeks and months, while others may describe their grief lasting for years. Through the process of grief, however, you begin to create new experiences and habits that work around your loss.
Many people do not know what to say or do when trying to comfort someone who is grieving.
However, often it is the simple offer of love and support that is the most important.
- Ask how they’re feeling. Each day can be different for someone who is grieving; take the time to listen and understand what they are going through.
- Talk about everyday life too. Their loss and grief does not have to be the focus of all your conversations.
- Ask them how you can help. A few home cooked meals, doing the shopping, or perhaps offering to go walking or do something enjoyable with them can all help someone through their grief.
- Encourage them to seek professional support if their grief does not seem to be easing over time.
We don’t always need to say “something”
- Cliched reassurances do not usually help. “They’re in a better place,” “At least they’re no longer suffering,” or “Time heals all wounds,” though well-meant, are better left unsaid.
- Talking about our own loss experiences is not a good option. Sharing our experiences with loss–saying “I know exactly how you feel,” or “I understand completely”–usually makes the griever feel as if you are minimizing their experience or pain.
What is the best way to support someone through grief?
It’s simpler than you’d think.
- Just be there. Listen. Let them talk and cry and talk and cry without putting a time limit on it and without judging.
- Don’t get tired of hearing them tell their “story”. Encourage expression of the facts, details and emotions related to the loss; it is a simple but profound method of healing.
- Check in on them. Say, “I’m just calling to see how you’re doing today.” No pressure or expectations, simply a friend checking in.
- And hold your tongue. When you feel the urge to say something cliched, like, “This too shall pass,” don’t. Instead, just say, “I’m so sorry,” let them cry, and cry with them.
We can all use a hand to hold in the dark.
Be with those you love through their darkest times.
Then, perhaps someday they will be able to say …
“Today, I choose to remember fondly and honour the one that I love.”
And they might not be referring to just the one they’ve lost; they might also be referring to you.
Should you feel compelled to say something, here are the three simplest things to say:
- I am sorry for your loss.
- I am here for you.
- I don’t know what to say, I’m at a loss for words.
Whatever you do or say, remember these things:
- Acknowledge the parents
- Listen but do not try to fix
- Encourage and give them hope
- Practice the Art of Presence.
SHOW YOU CARE
The little messages “I’m thinking of you” on the anniversary of my daughter’s death mean a lot.
- I hear you
- I’ve been thinking of you
- You are not alone – I am here for you
- I read your blog
- My heart goes out to you
- He/she will never be forgotten
ACKNOWLEDGE THE DEAD PERSON
Understandably, people often fear the reaction they may receive if they speak about the lost loved one.
Please trust that by acknowledging or talking about them you honour their memory.
Say their names.
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